Dear Intelligent Advice: This Aggression will not Stand

Dear Adviser,

Here’s the deal. I have a reserved parking spot at my office. It has my NAME on it. Several days a week for the past month some guy has been stealing my spot. Just parking there like he was oblivious to the whole thing. He gets there before me and leaves before me so I have no idea who the guy is, but he drives a Toyota Corolla, what a schmuck, right??? Finally today I stalked the spot on my lunch break and saw the guy. Now I know exactly who he is. Some jerk in accounting. What should I do about it? I need to show him who’s boss but I don’t want to seem like a psycho or have people think I have no chill. What is a good way to reclaim my spot and still have the upper hand?


Walking Half a Mile to Work

Response: [Adviser logged on GreatRussianBeard]

Dear Walking Half a Mile to Work,

Back in my younger days my answer to you would have been clear and unequivocal and I would have been 100% certain it was the only correct way to deal with this problem: Challenge your co-worker to a duel. You can’t let this massive blow to your masculinity and your pride stand. The only way to prove you are better than him is with guns drawn in an ancient ritual of life and death.

However I am now an old man and look back on those younger years with pity. What a philosophy of hedonism and self indulgence! Of course a man’s pride isn’t most important than his life. Life is the most important thing and what you accomplish with it.

You should learn more from the humble peasants of the world and enjoy your newfound walk to work. Marvel at the nature around you in the parking lot. Embrace the sun above you. Learn to enjoy the simple pleasures of life and don’t let this man bother you. It is then you have won.


War, but Mostly Peace


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