I am having a really serious problem right now. I bought like the cutest little pomeranian at the mall thinking she would be a great dog to, you know, like, hang out in my purse and to take selfies with. I thought we were going to be like besties and inseparable but instead it turns out she is like a total bitch and I don’t just mean she is literally a female dog. She already destroyed one of my Coach bags. She pooped all over my parent’s house and she growls at me all the time. I want to get rid of her ASAP but I have already posted her all over Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, and even Linkedin for some reason. I don’t want people to be all like “what happened to your dog? She was so cute” or whatever. How can I send her to the pound without looking like a total monster?
Response: [Adviser logged on WildCalling]
Dear Pomeranian Problems,
Unfortunately for you, dogs take after their owners. It is evident from your letter that you are also spoiled and awful and behave in a way that the dog is clearly mirroring. No dog is born bad, just like no human is born bad. They are molded after the attention they receive. If this dog is spending all of it’s time with an idiot, it can only be assumed that it will have all sorts of behavioural problems.
In order to have a better dog, you yourself must become a better person. You need to unshackle yourself from the oppression of materialism and capitalism. The easiest way to do this is by getting in touch with your wild and natural side. Instead of going to the mall on the weekends, go out to the woods. Sleep by the banks of a river under pine trees. Look at the stars and consider the vastness of the universe. Build a fire for warmth. Bring your dog along with you and in no time you will both be on your way to being better people.