Dear Intelligent Advice: Bad Romances

Dear Adviser,

I have the worst romantic luck of anyone I know. I have never had a successful and happy relationship despite dating my whole life! All of my breakups have been terrible including my divorce six months ago. I don’t know what to do. Maybe the problem is me? I am the common denominator  here. Why do I pick such horrible men and what can I do to stop it?

Sincerely,

Bad Romances

Response: [Adviser logged on Alighieriallegory]

Dear Bad Romances,

To unlock the present, first we must go back.
Back to the beginning from foundation  on
If we examine in turn each of nine men we will be on track.

Man I
We’ll start with the man to whom you were born
Your father; your first relationship true.
His disinterest; the first step down this path so forlorn

He would be stuck to the television like glue
Watching his sports and drinking a beer
Never to notice or admire anything that you’d do.

Man II
Next came the high school boyfriend when you used to cheer,
His lust was great and confusing
Whether or not it was rape in  your mind is still unclear.

He must have thought it was endearing and amusing
When you’d say “no, not now, I don’t want to, please Brad ”,
But he disappeared  completely when you started accusing.

Man III
Next was off at college a play-dough style lad
Both in his physique and desire to please others,
And you watched him slowly grow and expand

Soon indistinguishable from his frat-boy brothers

One day you just left, as soon as you awoke

As the thought of him filled you with shudders

Man IV
Out in the real world you liked a man for his jokes
You would laugh and laugh with him
Always ignoring the nagging feeling, you knew  he was broke.

Until one day you noticed he was not just penniless, but dim
And seemed less interested in you than your money
Being with  you was no more than an opportunistic  whim.

Man V
Next was a man who called you “honey”
Unless he was angry and called you “bitch”
You stayed for the blissful moments when  times were sunny

But sometimes you yourself would get that itch.
You would scream and scream
You could feel it exploding in your muscles, that old familiar twitch.

Man VI
You left him for a man who you thought was a  daydream
Everything seemed perfect
But, for you, nothing is ever as great as it seems .

One day you realized you had been tricked.
You held none of the same beliefs,
In fact, he thought God was a prick.

Man VII
Your next boyfriend you thought may leave you deceased
Instead of just admonishing  he used his fists
With each fight the violence seemed to increase.

He made it onto the most wanted list.
Now prison gangs and dumbbells make up his life,
And you thank god that you still exist.

Man VIII
Our next suitor would never wield a knife
Words and deceit are how he won his prize
He promised from the beginning you would be his wife.

At this point you thought time had made you wise
You thought the fancy house and nice family were true
When really they were just a web of lies.

Man IX
Finally you thought you had made a breakthrough,
A man who proposed and seemed like Mr. Right
They say you know when it’s meant to be, and you knew

Your romantic future finally looked so bright
Until his act of treachery; unfaithful, with your best friend,
Made  you realize he was no white knight.

Now that we have looked all the way back let’s look up around the bend
It’s easy for the naked eye to see these men were all involved in sin.
I hope that now, in your moment of truth, you are aware of this  trend.

There’s only one way to make this all end.
Log on to Christianmingle.com,
That is all I recommend.

Sincerely,

Divine Rhymes Dante

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