Dear Intelligent Advice: Gap Year

Dear Adviser,

This is my senior year of high school and everyone expects me to start college next year but I don’t want to. I want to take a year to go off and see the world. How can I convince my parents this is a good idea so they won’t freak out?

Sincerely,

Wanderluster

Response: [Adviser logged on Soitgoes]

Dear Wanderluster,

This is a very interesting problem you have and I hate taking it lightly and dismissing it. I believe that the stories of individuals like yourself are what makes up literature and more importantly what makes up life. However, I already have a whole book of advice for young people out there and published. It is called “If This Isn’t Nice, What Is? Advice for the Young”. Be sure to pick it up at your local bookstore when you get a chance.

What I really want to talk about today is a certain fiery white haired politician who is single handedly ruining my posthumous book sale numbers. I hope the two young ladies who run this séance-based advice column don’t mind me stealing this forum to air some grievances. There’s not many ways to communicate with the living from the other side after all and this seemed like a perfect opportunity.

First off, let’s start with his actual physical look. Old man in cheap suits with white hair who is angry all the time? Sounds pretty familiar, doesn’t it, Bernie Sanders? I get that I have no trademark on this look and there have been many curmudgeonly old men in the history of our country but the familiarities don’t end there.

I used to be the one who taught new generations about secular humanism, socialism, worker’s rights, unions, Sacco and Vanzetti! That was sort of my thing. A kid would be forced to read Slaughterhouse-Five in school, like my writing style and then work through the rest of my books and by the end there were a full blown progressive socialist. Now with Bernie around no one even bothers to read my books because they are off at his rallies getting the reader’s digest version of the same life philosophy.

Do you know how much the other guys up here make fun of me for it? I am missing out on a whole generation of potential readers. Those are all readers that could have passed me on to their kids and then their kids. You should listen to George Orwell brag about his sales lately since that orange haired buffon got elected. Even your last contributor, Ayn Rand, is having a field day with the Alt Right movement, whatever that is. I know it doesn’t seem like a big deal given all the socio-political problems you people are facing back on Earth, but I think it’s only right that Bernie Sanders mentions me and urges young people to go out and read my books. I’d do it for him if our positions were switched.

Sincerely,

Kilgore Trout

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